“But I don’t want to eat today”
She knew. I didn’t want to eat anything every day. I never wanted to eat again. Did I eat every day? Of course I did, unless on the odd occasion I slipped under the radar. We negotiated. “Can you eat something please? Even if it is something small, how about just this? Can you eat just this much please? Or at least try? As long as you try.”
That is all she asked. Even if I just ate some chocolate, sweets or a salad – I’d had something. Some things weren’t allowed to count no matter how much I tried to persuade her, low calorie hot chocolate for example never made the grade, neither did cups of tea despite my argument that I had added sugar which counted towards calories.
Sometimes I really wanted to eat something but I struggled. Often my eating disorder got in the way of what I wanted, because having an eating disorder gets pretty tiring after a while after the control shift has taken place from being exceptionally in control to being controlled. I’d really want some cake that I used to love, or an ice cream instead of a low calorie ice lolly. Often she’d eat something with me, or share s even if I had just a bite – it was a bite towards not letting the eating disorder seize all control as I would have otherwise. We were negotiating with the enemy in order to later, BOOM! Bitch-slap that motherfucker out of here!