You Got My Back, Yeah?: 1. Acceptance, Knowledge, and Honesty

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“We Have Mice, Right?”

After trying to hide my behaviours around food, after sneaking around pretending to eat, and “Oh the ice cream tub is empty? How strange. No I haven’t seen it. We have mice right?”; there came a point when I was confronted. For me, the second time around I knew I had an eating disorder due to my past. It wasn’t the first time for me, but even if it is: once it is acknowledged that there is a problem it is OK to be with it and live with it for a while. I say this because an eating disorder is caused by psychological factors, and no matter how much weight is gained, or how much you restrain someone from purging, if the underlying factors are not healed then the eating disorder is not truly healed.

We accepted this fact. We didn’t ignore what was happening. My partner read about eating disorders. She read leaflets and websites. She took it even further because she understood that only so much of what is going on can be explained in a bulleted leaflet written by doctors – so she hit online and read blogs written by people experiencing an eating disorder. This helped her understand the method to my madness and glimpse inside what was really happening, allowing me to explain better what I could, and for her to understand as best as she could. We were honest. I could say, “I’m struggling with this” and it was OK. I could even say, “that restaurant scares me” and we could work on negotiations. Even if I broke down because of the food on my plate in front of me, she made it so that I could say, “It’s the food.” It was accepted and I didn’t have to fabricate a lie that I’d broken my toe, that someone had been nasty or, ‘it’s just that time again…all the time…every day at dinner time…I get bad PMS”.

2. A Listening Ear and a Hand to Hold (Click)

 

You Got My Back, Yeah? : 10 Key Support Methods In Overcoming an Eating Disorder

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An eating disorder is a real challenge to overcome. The pathology that underlies the eating disorder runs so deep within the core, becomes so entrenched within the psyche and so consuming that no part of life remains untouched, unscathed, or unaffected. Distortions are skewed. Rationale and abilities to make sense of the world are shaken upside down and all around: it becomes one understanding for you and the rest of the world, and another for us. No, you are not fat at X lb, yet if the same stats are applied to me, they are unacceptable. X lb is a disgrace, for me but not you. I am disgusting, not only to myself but to the whole of humankind. I am shameful, greedy, horrific, but not you. You are fine, perfect, wonderful even. For the sufferer, this existence is accepted not as unhealthy, a lack of wellness, or a distorted pathology, no, this is the cold, hard, rational factualities of our existence and life: skin and bone alone would still be too much.

Therefore, understanding that they are unwell, that something is wrong with them, and it is not that they are a disgrace is a feat. Once this understanding has been gained and the sufferer is ready to start taking the initial steps towards recovery, it is difficult to overcome with support, and far harder alone.

In this series, ‘You Got My Back, Yeah?’, I will explore how, by working together, we orchestrated our joint battle against my eating disorder in a set of 10 key types of support that I found the most useful from those around me for overcoming my eating difficulties: from my partner, my friends and the healthcare professionals I worked with whilst battling my eating disorder. (Click Links)

1. Acceptance, Knowledge, and Honesty 

2. A Listening Ear and A Hand to Hold 

3. Encouragement To Negotiate With The Enemy 

4. Boundary Control

 5. Privacy Vs Secrecy 

6. Being Treated Wholly 

7. Affirming Truths and Healing 

8. You Still Need to Eat: Leading By Healthy Example 

9. What Recovery Is, and Is Not 

10. Don’t Forget To Live 

“We are still masters of our fate. We are still captain of our souls.”

– Winston Churchill

 

What It Really Means To Love Your Body

“I looked in the mirror and loved what I saw. If I can do it, you can too” – Insta Influencer

Of course you do, you epitomise the current beauty ideal: Gym Bunny Barbie, Health Freak Barbie, Can Survive In These Proportions Barbie – but this image is still unattainable for most.

#BodyPositivity #LoveYourself

Apparently loving how you look is still the secret elixir to loving yourself and your body. Loving yourself still equates to enslaving yourself to your reflection. I mean, it’s important to not hate what you see but apparently, according to this particular Insta influencer, aesthetics remain key to happiness and health.

Good for you but I call bullshit.

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When you love someone else how do you say what it is you love about them? Do you say, they have chiseled abs, a stunning jaw line and a booty worth twerking about? Of course you do during the lust phase, the honeymoon period of not being gable to keep your hands off each other. What about a year down the line, or five? After you’ve dealt with their death shattering snore, their farts at the airport security from nerves and little habits that are generally quite annoying, what do you say then? Valuing a partner on looks alone won’t sustain a relationship.

A deeper connection. The way they know what to say to cheer you up? The way they so badly don’t know how to cheer you up but you find it funny in hindsight? How about the conversations that never end and stimulate your mind and soul to no end? And the way they put a packed lunch in your bag even though you said you didn’t want one because they knew you’d get hungry and eat it anyway? None of those things are banging on about abs and jaw lines, so why should we focus on loving ourselves in this way? Putting the sole focus on body positivity on loving your reflection is pure, utter and complete bollocks.

The process of starting to love yourself includes more depth than this. It includes acceptance and appreciation, gratitude and developing core self-esteem. it is a process of the mind and a matter of perspective. I’ll use myself as an example. I don’t love how my body looks, far from it. I’ve gained a lot of weight these past couple of years from my medications, being unwell and generally neglecting myself at times. Self neglect when unwell with mental illness means more than not showering enough or brushing your hair, it includes not eating properly, not changing, not exercising, not sleeping, or over sleeping and neglecting every aspect of self-care there is.

I’m actually ‘technically’ according to the archaic BMI chart overweight at the moment. At the same time I don’t hat my body, far from it. In fact, I like my body more than I ever did and not because of how it looks. I accept that my body is at its biggest and I’m working on managing that in order to remain healthy. I accept my belly, and the scars on my arms and that a lot of my clothes no longer fit. I don’t like it and I accept it.

The reasons I love my body are more of an appreciation. My body allows me to run and climb. It allows me to have energy to do things in the day My heart beats and my lungs breathe with ease. My muscles are stronger than they one were and this allows me to progress at my sports activities if I put the effort in. I am capable of different experiences like the view from the top of a great big hill over a beautiful landscape, all thanks to my body. I feel different textures which can be soothing for me. I smell the beautiful wafts of perfume and baked bread thanks to my body. I can enjoy sex thanks to my body – here’s a hat tilt and wink to my nervous system and vagina for all the orgasms. I can see beauty. I can express myself fun entirely uncoordinated dancing. The list really is endless, but thanks to my body I am alive and can experience many wonders of living thanks to my body.

That’s some pretty dope shit and you know what the crux of all these things is? I can’t see any of this in my reflection or a picture alone. Yet I love my body for of these things.

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Through psychological work over many years I learned to respect, appreciate and accept my body in a holistic way. Becoming toned, health food obsessed and going to the gym most days didn’t change my perspective and feelings towards my body, therapy did. I didn’t even heal through an Eating Disorder service or therapeutic programme for eating disorders. I did it via a course of schema therapy. I am very lucky to have received this on the NHS I know, and I wouldn’t recommend going down the roads I did to land in the place. Now I’m on the other side of that part of my life though, I acknowledge this isn’t necessarily the answer for everyone. I also learned to stop caring what others thought of me and my body.

I enjoy my body and this provides my motivation to live a healthy lifestyle in order to maintain good physical and mental health. I exercise because it makes me feel good holistically in addition to reaping the health benefits over the longer term. I exercise because I love my body, not because I hate it to want to change it or look a certain way, and this is why I’m not buying the “I looked in the mirror and loved what I saw” as a phrase of self empowerment and body love.

Our love for ourselves goes deeper than our reflection, just as our love for other people does. It comes from our mind, our heart and a healthy dose of self compassion. Acceptance and gratitude are also helpful ingredients for the elusive loving yourself recipe. And if you don’t love yourself yet, but you are embarking on a journey of gratitude, acceptance, and self compassion honestly, it only gets better. It pays to pay attention to our mind and how we think about ourselves. Not everyone needs intensive therapy in order to achieve this, and if you do, that’s OK do. This is the part where I say, if I did it, so can you. You’ve got this, at whatever stage you’re at.

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I can honestly say I know how it is to hate yourself – and now look at all the things I think are pretty neat about my body. Reach out, ask for support, but most importantly work from the inside out and eventually maybe you’ll look in the mirror and say, “You’re not looking perfect dear body of mine, but I think you’re pretty neat and I love you anyway like I’d love a cat with three legs and one eye”.

*fist bump*

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